Forgotten Writings

I dug out an old notebook last night, with the intention of jotting down some ideas, for this blog as well as just some general writing. In doing so, I found some long forgotten writings, things I had written as much as ten years ago. Now, usually when I read something I had written in the past, I am embarassed. When I was younger I had some pretty serious issues, I was quite depressed for many years, and had an incredibly fragile ego. This tended to show itself in BIG SCREAMING NEON LETTERS! To say my writing tended towards maudlin/self-pitying would be akin to saying that George W. Bush thinks gun are just OK. GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT!

But in digging through all this crap, I also found a few nuggets, not good writing per se, but very workable ideas. Some decent story outlines that I had forgotten about, but could possibly, with my present (and much healthier), outlook on things, turn into something half decent.

But the one thing I truly wanted to write about was a letter. A letter to my girlfriend at the time. You see, when I am no longer with someone, I tend to cut all ties with them. I don't keep any correspondence or anything, so this letter is quite a rarity. And I have to say, I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Reading this letter flashed me back to the night I wrote it, with absolute clarity. I wouldn't have thought this possible. I have not thought about this particular night in years, it happened five years ago or more, and I haven't even seen the woman in question since a couple of months after this night. But here I am, a person who lives by the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy, reliving long forgotten emotions. I retain only vague memories of ex-girlfriends, or so I thought, but it appears that perhaps I only bury them. All these memories and emotions have reappeared with only a couple of pages of words to spur them on.

I find myself feeling the same heartache that I felt at the time, and remembering the good things, and even the wonderful things about her and about us as a couple. For years I have only thought about the superficial or bad things, protecting myself, I suppose. I wonder if this is something I do with all my exes, or was she something special? And since I have never truly been in love, and I feel this strongly years later, how does anyone deal with losing someone they actually LOVE?

A few things to ponder...

How would it feel to have stumbled across something that she had written to me? Would it be more intense, or was it only intense reading my own words, as they were coloured by my emotions at the time?

How would I react to seeing her now, five years later? I have not seen, or even heard her voice, in a very long time. Would I be as taken with her as I always was?

I'm sitting in bed, writing this longhand, and praying I can read it in the morning. I probably won't sleep for a long time now, as I am flooded with thoughts, memories, and emotions. How can your brain or heart hold onto such strong feelings, good and bad, over a person and situation so long removed from your life?

Why did I have to be such a late bloomer emotionally? I had no clue about myself, my effect on others, no clue at all about other people, love, relationships, sex... I was such a naive, self-absorbed, self-pitying kid that it's a wonder I even HAD a girlfriend at the time. I think I'm only just now getting a clue about these things.

Sometimes I really do wish I could live my life over again. A lot of it would be hard, sure, but to have the same people go through my life, and actually be able to look at them, and figure out who they are, rather that just be afraid...

I wish...

Oh well, as a wise man once said:

"You can wish in one hand, and crap in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I leave you with that pleasant mental picture.